So I write this as I have heard over and over share your truth , share your truth and to be honest I have always been that way. I am a sharer, a talker, a conversationalist and sometimes to a fault. Sometimes I open up WAY too much and I walk away saying to myself “Oh My God!!” WHY DID I SAY THAT?, WHY DID I TELL THEM THAT?
I actually pride myself on telling the truth and not hiding my feelings. You most of the time know how I am feeling. But there are times that I also internalise things and I am about to share with you ties where I absolutely did not share how I was feeling because I hated the way I felt and the way that I was and I didn’t want to face up to that little own tell others how I was feeling about myself
So this time last year. I was at my rock bottom. I have been through a very emotionally trying time the few years previous with the breakdown of my marriage, it was an extremely rocky time but to cut a long story short my husband and I worked it out and we are happier than we have ever been in our lives.
Due to all of the stress my health really suffered and I had ballooned to a weight I had never even been close to and I was absolutely miserable. I had been in this place before unfortunately and it is not a great place to be.
FAT AND DEPRESS.
When I had my children (at a young age .19 actually) my body totally changed. The picture above was a time when I just hated myself, this was my girlfriends 21st and I hated everything about myself and in situations like this I would just drink to dull how I felt.
I had a good body but like most women did not cherish that. Instead I hated on myself I felt so inferior to my friends and I always saw myself as the FAT friend and like I was just the ring in in the group. My friends were all beautiful girls and I was so lucky to have them as my friends. I seriously felt like I was on the outer at all times.
(I even dabbled with bulima and laxatives but when I was violently ill from this activity I decided to stop doing that. )
When talking to guys I would just assume that they were interested in my friends and not in me. Only to find out years later who actually had a crush on you in high school. Unfortunately that would have helped my self esteem ten fold if I had known that. But of course I didn’t go around telling the guys I had a crush on that that’s how I felt.
Only my husband. He is my childhood sweetheart.
Being 19 and having a baby was hard but I seriously had in my dreams to always be a Mum. I was clucky from the time I was 9 I think. Maybe even before that. So when I was pregnant with Tahlia I ate like I never could have eaten before, chocolates daily, Milkshakes, one after another and paddle pops galore. I ate like I was growing a football team in my stomach and I ended up looking like that was the case. I put on 20kgs in that pregnancy and developed DEEP as a canyon stretch marks all over my stomach, legs, boobs ad bum. Some of them hurt so much because it literally was a skin tear.
I was in shock at how my body had changed so much not only did I have the stretch marks but because I had an emergency Caesarean I had that over hang over my scar with all of my loose flesh.
OMG I WAS HIDEOUS! (crying) I now had a beautiful baby girl, a dream of mine but I was young (not that I think that really makes a difference frankly) and I had so much that I was not expecting to deal with (no sleep, screaming baby, so damn tired, no time to do anything, not even shower, oh and did I mention I was so damn tired) and then add on top my new found hatred for my body.
I had four children in the space of 6 years so (GEE ERIN lets punish the fuck out of your body, Why not!) my body was not bouncing back. (it was bouncing but not back to its former glory) I tried everything. I mean everything. I tried weight watchers, low fat, low carbs, only protein, no sugar, no carbs, Grapefruit diet, the heart soup diet, I tried Jenny Craig, I tried Lite and Easy, I tried Michelle Bridges, Jillian Michaels, I tried only eating dinner, I tried only drinking yucky celebrity slim or opti slim shakes (but I was starving and then Id eat my weight in food) I tried it all.
I felt so down and seriously hated myself. I hated how I looked I hated how I felt. I could never look nice in anything I put on. Nothing looked good on me I was frumpy and because I felt this way I was never going to. I was uncomfortable all the time. My pants cut me, my undies either rode up my arse or were to saggy, My muffin tops POPPED out of under my shirt all the time, oh and My ARSE CRACK always made and appearance when I couldn’t do anything about it( like the kids climbing all over me or falling asleep on me) Oh and don’t get me started about my flabby arms or my 4 boobs
(never fitting in a bra so Id have double.)
I avoided these like the dentist.
I am a very social person but in these stages of my life I seriously really did not want to be around people or where anyone could judge me. ( I think I was big enough judge of myself ) I used the kids a lot saying I could not get babysitter or that they were sick etc as an excuse not to attend things.
My all time low was when I was invited to a good friends wedding and I tried on every thing absolutely everything I owned and it was all just wrong. I didn’t have any money so that didn’t help and we never had spare money for me to go out and buy nice things plus the kids were our priority. I had to find something in the house to wear and it ended up being a pair of pants that cut off my circulation as they cut so deeply into my stomach and clung to my thighs so tightly I could barely walk. And then of course I had to try to find a top that was long enough to go over this catastrophe.
We went to the wedding ceremony and the whole time I felt like bursting into tears. I was seriously so close when any one even spoke to me. I waited till the end of the ceremony and then I left. I just left with out saying a single word. I grabbed Luke and I think he knew I was at breaking point so he did not argue but we just left.
I left and went and got drunk to numb how I felt.
I cried and cried and cried. I hated feeling that bad about myself.
To this day I still feel really bad and I want to apologise every time I talk to her. I am so sad to say that I had many occasions like this one. I had weddings and parties and get togethers etc that I really felt so self conscious at or didn’t even go to.
The thing that I am MOST REGRETFUL for is my children missing out on having a fun MUM. I know I am fun and silly and really worth while hanging out with but when the kids were little I really could have done a lot more things with them but didn’t because of my own insecurities, they always used to call out to me to come into the water with them whether they were at the beach or at the pool. “Mum come in with us” “Pleeeease MUM?” all they wanted was me to play with them. I would always say. I’m ok I’m just watching from here. (I was rugged up on the towel or pool lounger ) boiling hot and just longing to jump into the water.
If I did get up the courage to jump in Id drop my towel and sprint like a zombie was chasing me (no faster than that, like Usain Bolt. ) and would get into that water as quickly as possible.. Do not get me wrong I took them to the park and bowling bike riding and to all the fun places kids want to go but anything where I was afraid of looking silly gave me major anxiety, so much time wasted on thinking about what others thought of me or how they saw me and I am guessing they didn’t see me like I saw myself.
These are my boys and my hubby. I live for spending time with them and doing fun things now.
So I was sick and tired of who I was of how I felt and I never ever wanted to feel this way again. I had a friend who is a fitness professional and she was having amazing results (and she didn’t need to) I trusted her because she had been in the fitness industry for as long as she had been an adult and I have known her since she was 4 years old.
We are still soul sisters and I am so grateful for her introducing me to the products she was using because I needed help. I trusted her opinion because she had seen it all. All the FADS and she trusted the nutrition value of this one so so did I.
What I didn’t bargain for was the fact I was going to get so much more than the weight I wanted to lose. You know how they say that you really find yourself when you are broken well its true. I joined up and had amazing results and the energy level I had was the winner for me because I finally didn’t come home and sit on the lounge until I decided to get up and eat. (the kids do their own thing these days being 23,22,19,17) so dinner was easy. )
I was not always fat.
I would say I am the classic YO YO dieter who was up and down up and down but NEVER HAPPY.
I used to run, I used to workout all the time and I was energetic. Not this time last year I wasn’t I had never felt so old, I could not get up off the floor (I am an early childhood educator) without clambering, my knees hurt, my back hurt, I was so tired all of the time and would often be trying to keep my eyes open at 3 pm. I then would turn to chocolate for that boost. Well once I started using these nutritional products that all changed, I didn’t have any cravings for chocolate and I was eating one to two bars a day. I had the energy to get out and water the lawns, or go for a walk or simple prepare a healthy dinner. (I hate cooking by the way) so things really started to change and before I knew it I was 9 kilos lighter.
The company that I am aligned with is a heartfelt company and they encourage self development and offer mindset training.
WELL this was where the CHANGE came in hard and fast.
The problem I had always had was self belief and self love. I started doing some training and reading some recommended books and I was cured. Cured of self loathing cured of self destruction and sabotage.
Look I have times where I am hard on myself but I now have the skills to redirect my thoughts and look a the good. I have always been able to do that with others but not myself for some reason. Well now I can.
My beautiful daughter and I on holidays. I no longer sit back and watch I get in and enjoy life. My husband was shocked on our last holiday where he thought I would say I didn’t want to snorkel and I was in before him. He said I love this new you.
I have met so many amazing caring, spiritual, kind, loving humans through a simple “diet” No this is not a diet, this is life changing stuff, a community, a lifestyle a way to be. People who all see the best in each other is surely a way this world should be going and while looking after your health, well that my friend is a bonus. I absolutely believe in things happen for a reason and at the right time in your life.
I am blessed and grateful that I have been able to share my story with others who may have had the same sort of feelings or hurt or self loathing or even simply felt that they need to change their health or mindset. I have a group of people who are my tribe #VibeTribe and who I get to support and motivate on a daily basis so that they don’t feel like this. So that they see that they are amazing and have so many awesome qualities to share. That they are beautiful, courageous, kind, loving and who are trying to be their best healthiest selves in their own skin.
They are gaining so much either physically, mentally, and by celebrating every small step they take because they are the most important.
If you would like to be part of this group, part of this movement of happy healthy people. who are empowered to be yourselves then please click the link below and I will add you.
It is only for women sorry guys I’m working on getting a page up and running for the fellas.
I am also starting up my own coaching business so keep our eyes peeled for the launch of my program kicking off in the next few months. Super exciting times ahead and so excited to be doing some one on one coaching with you. If you are interested in going on the waitlist just email me at